In the past 18 mos, I have let go of some major, pretty much, life long, relationships ,that have been at the fore front of my life. Each time, it was more of a surprise to me then anyone. I would be the last person to do this kind of thing, as I am usually, a very loyal, giving life long friend, kind of girl.
I suppose I have subconciously made a “claim” since I moved west to the land of fruits and nuts, and honey granola bars. I must not let other people’s lost luggage, or excess baggage, put me in the long, chaotic, waiting line of trying to re~ claim, what isn’t really mine at all. Nevermind that inside that luggage, lurks, anger, blame, irreverance, irresponsibility, “Dirty Laundry Lies”…and “I will throw you under the bus first chance I get” as soon as you help me out of my latest escapade. This being their last “Thank you note” for your consciencious efforts, until next time. Good Ole Nurturing me, just shrugged these abuse tactics off, knowing they had a rough childhood. What was I thinking all these years? My love and nurturing help would CHANGE them…they would be nicer? They would not be so mean anymore? Well….thank you California, and my newly awakened self esteem! Blinders are OFF now!
This is the first day in a long string of days, where I have some moments to myself. I do not have to rush out the door hoping I left my home and beloved Aussie in order until my return. This is the first day in a long time that I feel myself again. Like after a long winter of cold, the warmth seeps in thru the open windows and warms your body all over right down to your toes kind of feeling.
I have a clean slate now, to focus on me, and my dreams, and who I still want to become. These people, un be knowns to me, were taking up so much space in my life. I suppose they had their purpose. I know they did. They each have many , well ok, SOME, redeeming qualities that I will always cherish. They helped me become who and where I am today….maybe. Maybe not.
I am venturing into a WHOLE new kind of Me now. I am going to stop running soon. I am organizing my life, so it nurtures ME. All that help I poured into THEM is now FREE for ME!!!! And those that I truely love.
I have a wonderful generous, offering from my dearest, most beloved soul sister, that I would love, more than anything, to go forth with. But now….I know I must say no. Only for now. There will be times to be together again soon. I will make this happen. But for now….I must hunker down with my plan, so I have the freedoms I have so longed for my whole life. I now see I have what it takes to do it! I let these “emotional vampires” take my energy, my self esteem, my belief in my own talents….I let them dismantle these in their own,cunning, baffling way. I am free now.
For whatever reasons, I have learned most of my lessons in this life, thru pain and suffering. I am now embracing the joys and success’s of navigating my life with no self imposed chains stemming from narcissistic luggage left in my baggage claim arena of life.
Time to stop hiding my light with their darkness.
I am free to be ME. I am free to swim the wave filled Sea, and know the beautiful reflections I see, are all the “pearls” of wisdom and kindness that are now “Claiming Me!” 🙂