I was cold, like chilled to the bone, all day today. Fair enough. It was a rainy cold day here in Paradise San Diego. Abit unusual for us Sun Worshippers. It turned out it was a VERY unusual day. I was just taking my Aussie for a brisk walk in the night, trying to shake off my desolate feelings of the day, and a teenager flew by us on a skate board with his rap music blaring, and I thought…”Good for you!” for fleeting by me with the Real YOU! Expressing yourself! So important! Seconds later another young lad came rolling along, almost skipping across the pavement, like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland who always muttered…”Im late! I’m late! For a very important date! “…and yet his happy little words to me were “Merry Christmas”! As I returned to our little village courtyard I saw the twinkling lights of Christmas adorning many doorways and I heard the faint familiar sound of children laughing and for at least the twentieth time today I started to cry.
Life to me today, felt like it should stop. For me. For the world …For Everyone. Twenty Eight People were massacred today at an Elementary School In Snowy Connecticut. That was the last count that I heard. The red blood cries of innocence,made their last terrifying plea, screaming out wildly for their Mamas and Papas. No one could help them. It was too late. The Families of Connecticut will no longer have a White Christmas this year. It is stained forever with the blood of their children. Their hopes and their dreams. The treasures of their lives were Snatched and Vanished forever by senseless murder. It’s extra evil and chilling that it is Christmas time. It is an endless torture, I cannot fathom.
When I first awakened, I had a feeling, as I sometimes do, that I needed to get some kind of breaking news that was taking place. I always squirm with this knowingness and sometimes try to crouch away from the huge urgency I feel, but I always end up relinquishing my power and acquiescing to the invisible. I never know what it is, but I usually know it is going to be disturbing, so I usually sigh before I find myself with the remote in my hand. But it is like the mind of writers, and actors, and painters….I have no choice…I must see. I must know. So on came the big screen of television. The big feeling in my stomach that started to arise in me as I watched and I listened to CNN, unfortuneately only grew worse as my day wobbled on.
It started with one casualty and last count it was 28. Mostly children were 5 and 6 years young. First graders. Hunted down with flying bullets and the darkest evil imaginable. We have had these mass killings in schools before. I remember the first time. Colombine. Even tho it happened in a state far away, I could not think about one other thing until I had my own son safe at home in my arms again.
This horror happened in Connecticut: The beautiful, SAFE, affluent, full of helping community neighborhoods and old Yankee pride and constitution, Nevermind being known for having most of the best school systems in the nation. The “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” kind of value systems is what we were all surrounded with in lovely, beautiful Connecticut. Family Oriented…..Full of Christmas, and all Holiday Celebrations, and old steadfast, great manners. This was and I thought, always would be, my Connecticut. I never gave that a second thought. Nothing could take that away from me. This was my home. This was where I grew up. My childhood memories of frolicking in the rolling hills, ice skating on all the ponds and lakes, listening to the frogs and crickets at night. Catching fire flies. This ….is life as a kid on the East Coast. Until today. Like 911 changed us all. Today will change everything.
Yes we need to look harder at gun control. Yes we need to see what really happens to brains when they have concussions, and accidents. Yes we need to get a hold on drugs and addiction in our country. Yes we need to eat healthy food and not self medicate with alcohal and prescription drugs. But what about neglect? What about denial? What about covering up or delaying that uncomfortable conversation with your children…your teenagers? What about being too busy making a living and struggling in this economy to really listen to what our children our troubled with? What happened to the value system and manners I grew up with? What happened to catching fire flies with your kid? It seems we cuddle and swoon over them as the adorable babies and toddlers that they are and then the uncomfortable times come.
How do we handle the “uncomfortable?” Do we live right next to that river in Egypt called “denial?” What grade do we give ourselves as parents? Do our children feel completely SAFE and loved by us? Can they really TALK and COMMUNICATE with us, or are we too busy? Who was this 20 year old who blew himself and everyone else away? Away to where by the way? Did we listen to his cries for help? Do we know the red flags? Did he feel like he belonged? Did he feel heard and seen in a loving way by his Mom and Dad?
Where will these little Angel Children of the Morning, Go? Where can I go to weep with them? I am so sad and forlorn. I am so angry. I don’t like it when tragedy happens and there is no understanding. There is no explanations. There is just unspeakable heartbrokeness. We are at war in our own country. Our children are killing children. My parents would be so heartbroken if they were still alive. What happened to us?