Tag Archives: christmas

Red Snow



I was cold, like chilled to the bone, all day today. Fair enough. It was a rainy cold day here in Paradise San Diego. Abit unusual for us Sun Worshippers. It turned out it was a VERY unusual day. I was just taking my Aussie for a brisk walk in the night, trying to shake off my desolate feelings of the day, and a teenager flew by us on a skate board with his rap music blaring, and I thought…”Good for you!” for fleeting by me with the Real YOU!  Expressing yourself! So important!  Seconds later another young lad came  rolling along, almost skipping across the pavement,  like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland who always muttered…”Im late! I’m late! For a very important date! “…and yet his happy little words to me were “Merry Christmas”!  As I returned to our little village courtyard I saw the  twinkling lights of Christmas adorning many doorways and I heard the faint familiar sound of children laughing and for at least the twentieth time today I started to cry.

Life  to me today, felt like it should stop.  For me. For the world …For Everyone. Twenty Eight People were massacred today at an Elementary School In Snowy Connecticut. That was the last count that I heard.  The red blood cries of innocence,made their last  terrifying plea, screaming out wildly for their Mamas and Papas. No one could help them. It was too late.  The Families of Connecticut will no longer have a White Christmas this year. It is stained forever with the blood of their children. Their hopes and their dreams. The treasures of their lives were  Snatched and  Vanished  forever by senseless murder. It’s extra evil and chilling that it is Christmas time. It is an endless  torture, I cannot fathom.

When I first awakened, I had a feeling, as I sometimes do, that I needed to get some kind of  breaking news that was taking place. I always squirm with this knowingness and sometimes try to crouch away from the huge urgency I feel, but I always end up relinquishing my power and acquiescing to the invisible.  I never know what it is, but I usually know it is going to be disturbing, so I usually sigh before I find myself with the remote in my hand. But it is like the mind of writers, and actors, and painters….I have no choice…I must see. I must know. So on came the big screen of television. The big feeling in my stomach that started to arise in me as I watched and I listened to CNN, unfortuneately only grew worse as my day wobbled  on.

It started with one casualty and last count it was 28. Mostly children were 5 and 6  years young. First graders.  Hunted down with flying bullets and the darkest evil imaginable. We have had these mass killings in schools before. I remember the first time. Colombine. Even tho it happened in a state far away, I could not think about one other thing until I had my own son safe  at home in my arms again.

This horror  happened in Connecticut: The beautiful, SAFE, affluent, full of helping  community neighborhoods and old Yankee pride and constitution, Nevermind being known for having most of the best school systems in the nation.  The “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” kind of value systems is what we were all surrounded with in lovely, beautiful Connecticut. Family Oriented…..Full of Christmas, and all Holiday Celebrations, and old steadfast, great manners. This was and I thought, always would be,  my Connecticut. I never gave that a second thought. Nothing could take that away from me.   This was my home. This was where I grew up. My childhood memories of frolicking in the rolling hills, ice skating on all the ponds and lakes, listening to the frogs and crickets at night. Catching fire flies. This ….is life as a kid on the East Coast. Until today. Like 911 changed us all. Today will change everything.

Yes we need to look harder at gun control. Yes we need to see what really happens to brains when they have concussions, and accidents. Yes we need to get a hold on drugs and addiction  in our country. Yes we need to eat healthy food and not self medicate with alcohal and prescription drugs. But what about neglect?  What about denial? What about  covering up or delaying that uncomfortable conversation with your children…your teenagers?  What about being too busy making a living and struggling in this economy to really listen to what our children our troubled with? What happened to the value system and manners I grew up with?  What happened to catching fire flies with your kid?  It seems we cuddle and swoon over them as the adorable babies and toddlers that  they are and then the uncomfortable times come.

How do we handle the “uncomfortable?”  Do we live right next to that river in Egypt called “denial?”  What grade do we give ourselves as parents? Do our children feel completely SAFE and loved by us?  Can they really TALK and COMMUNICATE with us, or are we too busy?  Who was this 20 year old who blew himself and everyone else away?  Away to where by the way? Did we listen to his cries for help? Do we know the red flags?  Did he feel like he belonged? Did he feel heard and seen in a loving way by his Mom and Dad?

Where will these little Angel Children of the Morning, Go?  Where can I go to weep with them? I am so sad and forlorn. I am so angry. I don’t like it when tragedy happens and there is no understanding. There is no explanations. There is just unspeakable heartbrokeness. We are at war in our own country. Our children are killing children. My parents would be so heartbroken if they were still alive. What happened to us?


Radio Flyer Friend


   It was Christmas Eve. Our first Christmas without his Dad. Our son  was two years old. His Dad left us. Here we were. The two of us. Alone together. My son always loved the color red. Still does to this day. It is his favorite. Whenever he saw a little red wagon breeze by with a boatload of kids and fun…he would point and say “Wag!”  I had to get him one.   They  were Radio Flyers. They were the Best Little Red Wagons, this side of the Mississippi!   They were Expensive In my eyes. I had been dealing with a whole new life of expensive those last 8 months. I always loved those Radio Flyers myself. His eyes would glint with surprise every time one passed us by.  They were always the gateway to freedom somehow.

I managed to go to our local specialty  store and buy what looked like the perfect model. It never crossed my mind that it would be in the big box, totally in pieces and I would have to put it together all by myself! Welcome to Single Mother hood and being many a time the  handy man, as well as wonder  woman! I did not have a clue. I had tools. I have always collected tools.But all these dis assorted pieces cascading out of the box, I had never even seen the likes of, nevermind knowing what tool to use where!  Out came the wheels, and the sockets, and the screws and the terrible directions. I tried for hours. It was Christmas Eve.

It was hard enough hiding my secret in the box, from my son. Running frantically into the den, I would  try one more quick time to make sense of the madness, before he toddled in looking for me. I would once again…fail miserably. I put him to bed. I started to cry. I went across the street to the older couple who adored my son. I asked if they could help. It was Christmas Eve…and it was late. Santa would be careening down the chimney any minute now with his tribe of reindeer.

Our retired gentleman friend came over, and  we worked together like Dr. and Nurse. Front wheels, check. Ratchet. Check. Screwdriver Check. It actually took us  a good hour and a half but then there it was! Glistening in the moonlite!  The coolest,slickest Radio flyer Wagon I had ever seen. I started to cry once again, while I was hugging my new hero for helping me create the best Christmas present ever!

I was so grateful that my son would have something he would cherish amidst such confusing sadness in his little life. We didn’t go anywhere for the next two years without the whole neighborhood clamoring aboard the little Radio Flyer . It truely was, and always will be, in my treasured memories…our new navigation system  of fun that lead us to where we are today. Happy. Strong. Joyeous. And Free.