Sometimes…the willingness…to do whatever it will take to gain peace…not knowing how it will all come about, but making the decision anyway because it seems all goodness keeps aluding you, no matter what good action you take…that is, what gives you wings to finally fly….
I was willing to move. Into a small box with two dogs. No kitchen. Perhaps no windows. No laundry facility. Not close to the seaside. Alone with the already aloneness desperate feelings of not being able to give anything to anyone anymore. Most especially myself. I called the people I love the most. Not to be fixed. Just to say it out loud and know I was loved. Thank goodness I still knew I was loved. I guess AA calls it an addicts bottom.You zig out the back door and give up on yourself and life because the pain is unbearable any more, or you zig out thru the front door, naked, terrified,but chaotically determined in your shattered kind of dazed,stress filled confusion.
My cell phone plopped itself in water 3 times in ten days. My Labrador needed emergency care. My car would not start anymore for anything. For the first time in seven months, I ALMOST had all the money to pay my rent on time until all these things happened in a two week string of black dominoes. I always scraped together the $3.99 on sale Champagne, to remember to Celebrate life. The bubbly always made me feel that soon my happiness ship would arrive. Goodness had to be on the way for me. I would force it. I would..intend it….visualize it. I worked really hard for it. I was so melancholy blue. The young children laughing in the park, my pups, my son,my family, my Soozie friend and playing on the playground teaching the children I care for…about the wonders of nature…were the only glue that kept the living thread alive in me. It felt like a blue,cold,winter in my heart and soul. Money was always,always on my mind and not in a good way. I gave up on trying to “overcome” what life was giving me. The rash on my neck, the worry…the sleepless in Seatle nites…the exhaustion finally stopped me in my tracks.
Time to communicate truthfully to myself. I had no more warrantees left for cell phones and my contract was less then a month old. I couldn’t even try to control the fact that my rent money was gone, being spent on the traumas of my recent skirmishes. I had to move. I couldn’t wrestle this rent any longer. I told the people that needed to know. I felt an odd sense of relief, like when someone you really didn’t like much anymore, suddenly dies. I didn’t know my future, but I knew it would end up in a better place then the insanity I was wrestling.
And then the blue winged Angel came. Actually there was a band of them. My sisters. My family. My son. My brother Pesto and his wife.My Soozie friend. My sister in law who is really my sister. My Liessee, my great Auntie, my wild Helen, my Chee Wee girl. They all listened to me and laughed with me and loved me. I was given the most generous of gifts, that will help me climb back up into my life now and onto the saddle and actually be able to grab the reigns of my life back and gallop on into recovery. Recovering my Jewels. My stolen treasures. This incredible Angel is believing in me and the diamond she sees under the ground of debris. I am the luckiest leprichan ever!
I turned on what I thought was going to be the latest “News of the Day” because I am a junkie for this, and there instead was my story being acted out on “The Closer”. I was riveted. I tried to leave the screen. So much to do before work and all. But instead, the tears started streaming down my face. We have the same secret. The only difference is she is dead and I am alive. I realize now, that my beauty and innocence,as a young woman, “cost” me so much. And therefore…all my money challenges as of late. I don’t have to keep any more “Secrets” and I don’t have to protect any abusers anymore. I only need to protect myself and stay on a path of “safety”. I no longer have to “Pay the cost” of what I was a victim of any longer. I don’t have to have zero worthiness or self respect because of the things that were done TO me. I don’t have to pay any price any more. I am free. I can soar. End of “SENTENCE.”