I have been told that I have “Horse Hair” and found out that this was a compliment. I love horses so that sits quite well with me. The only problem is that for the last nine months, I have barely had ANY hair! If you watch this video, it may bring back fond memories of the hippie days when we “let our freak hair fly” as David Crosby serenaded us in “Almost Cut my Hair” back in the revolutionary sixties.
From time to time in our lives, we all cut our hair or restyle it or if you are a true girlie girl…usually hilite it with other fun colours. Boys too, I should add. We all have our reasons that we need that big change. Mine was a much bigger and longer change then I could have ever imagined. I have done this many times. Sometimes even deciding that I was now a “hair surgeon”and I could easily cut off and restyle my golden brown locks myself! I’m actually pretty good, so I have had some “regrets” but nothing I didn’t blunder thru in those ensuing weeks of half hiding from my friends and praying it looked as good as they lied and told me it did. This last “Haircut” was very different. I’m not blaming ANYONE. Not even Me. Not the stylist (I TOLD them to do it)…not anyone. I just never realized…HOW BIG MY FACE AND HEAD ARE until I slowly walked out of there in utter shock and awe, with barely a whisp of nothingness to run my hands thru. I had my reasons that I wanted to look REALLY different then who I have been up until now, but that story is in another blog for another time….hint hint…it has a photo of a belly dancing beauty in the blog. HA!
So. I went on to face “the darker side of me”. Men were no longer looking at me , or if they were I believe it was to silently decide if I was a lipstick lesbian, or played for the other team, which I …at times in my frustrations with men actually wished I could …but alas I am forever bound to the love of men. Every time I looked in the mirror these last nine months, I would shudder at the bleak landscape of brown flatbed “grass” that looked constantly like it just got mowed. But it was on top of my head! And I had to “wear” it!
Now that I have long gorgeous locks again…well…the horse hair strands are now at LEAST an inch and a half long!….I am coming out of my long winters nap…my hibernation as a woman. All of a sudden and I mean really all of a sudden I am starting to look like a woman again. And feel like one. I believe I had to do this. I had much strife, and trials and tribulations to deal with recently…an ongoing template of bad to worse nitemares in my life. All Dark. All the Dark side. All ….my secrets. You know what they say. “You are only as sick as your secrets,” And I certainly have not “felt pretty” finally letting them all out…finally letting them all go….finally not “Protecting” the horrid perpetrators of my long lost innocence. I just couldn’t feel pretty doing it. It was so ugly. It was so shameful and dirty and I had to dig hard deep into my masculine strength to bear witness to all that my femininity was finally washing free of.
Just YESTERDAY….I turned a big corner. It just happened the kind of way when a new little baby gives you a smile with her big blue eyes and you just met her …kind of joy in the minute, happening. It takes you happily by surprise and feels so great! You can’t even really describe it. It’s like the veil came off. And you can see again. You can trust again. You can feel “worthy” of the life you have always wanted and you feel alive again and you feel PRETTY again and you don’t have to sell your soul anymore ever again for this natural right of passage!
So…for me. I had to feel “stripped” of my beauty God gave me. I had to BE the UGLY that was my secret past. And almost relive it but in a soul retrieving kind of way. I’m wearing my red flannel winter shirt right now, and my snow flake PJ bottoms and I feel beautiful. I don’t want to take them off. I’m getting my hair back and I am getting my life back and I am so grateful. There is alot of power in “Hair”.