Me With Dignity

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    dig·ni·ty/ˈdignitē/Noun The state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect.

I think I had lost mine.For quite awhile. Dignity. In many areas. Not as a Mother tho. I had to swim upstream alone so many times: just to  survive for the two of us.  I did almost anything and everything. But I did that with dignity, because I was so grateful to finally be a MOM. Didn’t ever think I was going to go it alone, but you do what you have to do, especially when you have children.  You make lemonade or you die right then and there,forlorn, and alone on the lemonade stand.
I was always giving him…the Dad who left us when my son was 18 months old…the benefit of the doubt. Oh he had a terrible childhood, oh he was abused in all ways…He never learned how to give back…He never learned about Intimacy…Fast forward. I moved  back to  California.  Now here I am. In my beloved homeland. He is  here too.We are all here! One big happy family!  He apparently …very apparently, had started heavily drinking again. Last time he did this he totalled his car and almost himself, and thank God…not our son.  What ever was he going to do this time?  I had “words” with him.
War of the Text’s so to speak. Covert Text Operation. It had it’s effect. He ended up in rehab. for maybe five days.
Started all over again.  Drinking. Included our son whenever he could, which was easy to do because our son adores him.  He would do almost anything for his Dad. My beyond biggest nitemare. Fast forward again. He went to rehab. This time it was five weeks. I took care of his dogs. EVERY DAY. For five weeks. I became beyond exhausted. My choice. I did say I would do it. Because after all, he is the father of my child. He had a terrible childhood. That is why he is the way he is. I’ll give him one more benefit of the doubt. He came back. Seemed abit culture shocked and like a lost little boy. He gave me a hug after I initiated it. But he was  somewhat “present” which is new in my experience of him.
I had hope he would do the right thing. He would finally  make amends and make up  to me financially what he stole from me back when our son was so young and he left us. I was sure he would do something good for me.  I also made the bad choice to go work at his company when I moved here. It was nice that he offered me a job. I have gone in there once since he has been back. I find that I feel terrible physically when I am there now.
 I cannot tell my son all the evil thoughts I have toward his father right now. I never want to see him again. I cannot work there. I have to sew up loose ends and leave. I dont’ have any answers for my future. My financial future. It …once again has been snatched from me. My own doing in a way, this time around. I have to get away. I have to have my life become ME with DIGNITY.
I feel like I did when I found out he had the affair with my best friend. I feel ashamed. I feel dirty. I feel that I have lost all my respect and dignity in the world and for myself. I feel as tho I am a failure and I cannot move. Never mind move forward. I have some very painful back challenges and severe kidney pain,ever since it came close,  in days, to his coming home. This is all him. All this negativity is all him. In my body. In me. I am shocked and bewildered at the power of this.
I must get myself back. I will. I don’t have my dignity back yet, but I will.  I may be tarnished, but I have vengeance right now. Perhaps that thread of action, even if it be angry right now, will get me on the healing boat of recovery. Of re discovering me! Of healing the wounds of emotional vampire ism. No more ism’s for me thanks. I’ve had enough for all my life times and then some.
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About mamalushka

Thanks for dropping on by! Behold the Tales that shall unfold from the middle child of a family of seven kids, Mother of one son, Early Childhood Educator for thousands of Dancing Toddlers over the years... and now...Happy Author of my first children's book "Freddie and Bibelle" ~ an Extraordinary Encounter between A Dazzling Butterfly Bibelle and a Red Eyed Tree Frog called Freddie! :)

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