I was in love with him the first half of my life. I was looking for him the whole second part of my life to no avail. I even got my detective sister on the investigative scene! Every door that looked like it was opening with a possible clue to his whereabouts…closed abruptly in my face. I finally, disappointingly, gave up. It was then, very abruptly and all of a sudden, he was in the same town as me. He left his life as he knew it and he was going to go live abroad and leave us all. He wanted to see me before he danced his last waltz in our country we call America…Land of the Free.
I was in a state of frozen shock and exhilaration. I kept thinking of his sparkling jewels…his piercing blue eyes. He was very smart.
Always. Very smart.We were all light years behind his mind. Socially, he would get frustrated with the world. He was always a daredevil. A Bad Boy of sorts. Yet so romantic and full of love and grace, all at the same time. I loved his adventurous spirit. Always so generous was he, and giving to me in so many ways. Ah Yes! AND…he was also the playboy in that all the girls loved him and he loved them back in his own,playful, white lies, kind of ways. How many years had it been? 37? 38? REALLY! 38 long years since I had set eyes on him……Had it ever been that long since I had seen someone that I so loved? I don’t think so.
I texted him and told him I was about to walk into the lobby of his hotel. I walked in…looked around…didnt’ see any one that looked like it would be him. How could I possibly even KNOW after so long of a time? I walked up to the front desk and heard his name come tumbling out of my lips as a helpless inquiry. Just then I felt a long ago, ancient familiar touch on my shoulders. I turned around. It was him. He was not in his twenties anymore. Neither was I. But I saw him. I saw the strapping young man I fell in love with so many many years before. Time in a bottle. It was so power filled..that moment in time. I couldn’t stop staring at him.
He was there…but deep inside a million lifetimes and journeys that I had not been a part of was also there staring back at me. I knew him but I didn’t know him anymore. That young boy. He was still there. He was different. Lifetimes different. His body frame was slighter. His demeaner was slower..kinder in a way. Welcoming and safe. He thought before he spoke. We walked. We talked. We laughed. We held hands. I felt that I had been catapulted back in time. It was so lovely for me yet it was so sad all at the same time.
He brought pictures. There is one of us when I was 23. I think he was 26. I looked at that photo and saw how I was caressing him and I was that young girl again. I was right back there. There was no yearning for those days to return, it was just a sweet sweet sadness of sacred days gone bye…lost forever in time, but captured in the innocence of a long ago photo. And here we were now in Old Town San Diego, with the mandolins seranading every table, and we were the same sensual,entities of love together, but in an older, respect filled kind of way. Part of me is glad about that and part of me knows that the love we had back then is gone. It can never be quite “that” again, because this is now and we are two different people.
I have mostly always believed that love never dies. Things happen. Hurt happens. Distance. Pain. Suffering. These things all happen with love. The other “Randal” in my life has always told me that love never dies. “The love you have for someone is the only thing that is left after time goes by”…I remember raging against and fighting against this concept deeply when he was trying to leave me and I wouldn’t let us go.
I never really knew why I was trying so desperately most of my adult life, to find this young love in my life again. Why did I spend so much time and effort and so many years looking? What did I think I would find and what did I want to find? I never asked myself those questions. I was driven by love. I just knew some day I had to find him. And of course, it was when I finally “let go”….there he was. I keep looking at that photo of the two of us today, and I keep saying. “Tis better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all.” This phrase will always have treasured new meaning for me now.
With all the different twists and twirls that life has given him and I…All the world travels…the husbands, the wives, the children….there is still the love between us. With all that happened between us when we were young…the ups and the downs…the agonies and the ecstacies….there is only pure love left. There is only the essences of the love that we had for each other way back then. That is what greeted me today with open arms. Pure. Love. Such a gift. I have more room in my heart now that I found him. I don’t know if I will ever see him again. But I do know this. Love is worth it all.