My stomach is a swirl of butterflies. Ever since I talked to him unexpectedly this morning when I picked up a “Private Call”, which I normally don’t pick up. Something told me to take the call. I thought it was my son. I asked him where he was, that he was calling from an unknown number. Well it was HIM. I wasn’t expecting to talk with him for five weeks. He was different. Slightly different. It is going on day three for him. He is talking with an ever so slight….bit of presence. Not empty words. There was a glimmer of warmth. His tone is slower. It holds meaning. I was shocked at this. I was not expecting this. I have always wanted to have hope for him. I have never dared because of what has happened. All the things that have “happened”. What AM I hoping for? Whenever I feel a slight tinge of “Hope”…my body starts to cry inside and I try to stop myself. I don’t want the shattering in to a million pieces, victim story again. I feel like I am in Sleeping Beauty , only I have waited 25 years for the sleeping giant to wake up and live. Come Alive! For Real. And what if he does? Who will he be? Will he finally BE who I have always thought he WAS? These little bits of information feel like droplets of tears filled with Rainbows. So unexpected. I will light the candle of hope for him every nite. I will pray for goodness for him. Lots and lots of goodness for him. The hope candles worked for my Mama alot. Maybe they will work for him. He is the father of my precious little Coyote Boy. He is being brave and he left here a scared little kid. He is trying to look in the mirror now and stare at his demons…naked. No hiding. No running. I am trepadaciously scared for him. Scared for me. Scared for the boy. This is unchartered territory for all of us. This part. I want him to win out. I hate to admit it, but it is all of our turns….for him to win. We deserve it. He deserves it. I think he will cry a million tears. He will cry a river. Perhaps he will cry himself all over into a new beginning; A Happy Childhood of Innocence and Truth. Perhaps he can finally be…Happy, Joyeous and Free. Perhaps he will be able to look me in the eyes and smile and all his troubles and violations of his soul, will have finally been laid to rest in the deep tangled Forest of Recovery. Perhaps it is ok. To let myself hope. A little.