Never say Never

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How many times have we heard it? Don’t get your hopes up!  Try not to have any expectations!  You know…with this Dis Ease…not too many  people make it out alive….”Winning!”…not too many people make it to “Winning!”….It is a” cunning, baffling disease”…as they say. I know that. I’ve been in ..”the other” rooms…for years. I’ve been in the rooms for “the FAMILIES of alcoholics”…trying to get out of just surviving life…constantly licking my wounds from their constant, selfish stinging, emotional vampire ish behaviors. Trying to make a real authentic life for myself, while he continuously hides from his demons that leave chaos for others at every corner they turn.  Now here it is again. Staring me in the face. The embarrassing behaviors in the company of your loved ones on those “Special Occassions” ….the latest one being a very special Birthday for a very special boy. The boy minimizes his bee sting. He said it didn’t hurt so much,yet he hung on to me for dear life when he hugged me good bye that evening. I had to leave. I couldn’t watch. Anymore. I felt like  the dirty one , and all I did was abound to the club destination to be a part of something so special …a clean, healthy celebration. He ruined it. Once again. For me. For us all. Or did he? He  spent the money. Went to Rehab just days earlier. Only to pick up a drink again five days later. I’m looking around for the anialated part of me that I usually find on the pavement,heart broken in a million different, disappointed tear stained pieces. This time it was different. I had said everything, in my “Two Hour,Covert Text Operation” to him. He had a few minutes of insight and courage and drove himself to rehab. Only to relapse once again. But This time I felt free. This time I know I said and did everything I could. I was willing to let go of pride,ego,judgements from others, my job and more…to state the stern truths of how his spiralling down behaviors were affecting me and my life. He lost all power over me in those two hour text moments. I set myself free in a way I have never been before. “Freedom’s just another word for nothin left to lose” . Mildy shocked he went back to drinking so soon. I did have hope. I tried not to. Been down this road before, but I did. I did for my son’s sake. This time I am still left with such freedom! He has locked himself up in these chains once again, but I…am free! I have chosen. I have let go of hoping for …him to have a real authentic  life before he dies. I can only do that for myself now. He will “Zig…or he will Zag” and only he…can choose his way now. God help him. For I cannot. anymore. I let go with love as I leap into the “Promises and Blessings” that await me!

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About mamalushka

Thanks for dropping on by! Behold the Tales that shall unfold from the middle child of a family of seven kids, Mother of one son, Early Childhood Educator for thousands of Dancing Toddlers over the years... and now...Happy Author of my first children's book "Freddie and Bibelle" ~ an Extraordinary Encounter between A Dazzling Butterfly Bibelle and a Red Eyed Tree Frog called Freddie! :)

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